Caring Not Coddling


You may have heard the term “snowplow parent” by now, for example in the wake of the recent college admissions scandal that revealed certain parents were essentially bribing colleges and universities to admit their children. The term refers to well-meaning moms and dads taking too far their desire to help and guide their kids, and, like a snow plow, clearing away obstacles that might impede their path to success. This impulse to protect kids from struggle, to shield them from failure, to rescue them from anything frustrating or uncomfortable is apparently increasingly common, especially among more affluent parents who have the means to accomplish these goals. After all, parents “want the best” for their kids. We want to “give them every advantage” we can. Since the moment they were born, we parents have felt it’s our duty to assist and guide our children.

In their 2018 book, “The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure,” Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt address what they describe as an increasingly prevalent “culture of safetyism” that leads to “fearful parenting” and stymied educational settings. While mostly concerned with events on college campuses, the book traces problems back to parenting and assumptions we parents hold regarding the experience of hardship, the infallibility of personal feelings, and the belief that “life is a battle between good people and evil people,” between us and them. Lukianoff and Haidt suggest these ideas lead to our coddling of kids, and yes to us becoming snowplows eagerly removing all forms of adversity for them.

The danger is that this form of safety-driven parenting, especially when established by these three ideas, ultimately hampers our kids’ development. Solving every problem for them (in some cases far into adulthood), swooping in to the rescue, “infantilizes them, emotionalizes them, and tribalizes them,” as Andrew Sullivan put it.  It robs them of opportunities to learn from experience, creating fragile, nervous, helpless young people who never grow up to be strong and independent.

I bring all of this up not to sling parent-shaming mud around, but rather to bring our attention to the dangers of being too focused on making our kids’ lives perfectly comfortable, safe, convenient, and entertaining.  This may sound strange coming from a summer camp director since we regularly work to create exactly this kind of experience for kids. We make sure camp is super fun. At the same time though, life at camp is so different from everything at home— different food, activities, relationships, and the general outdoor environment —it inevitably includes regular moments of challenge, struggle and adversity. And there are bound to be disagreements, even hurt feelings, in this kind of close-knit community.  Like life in the outside world, for both children and adults, we occasionally experience setbacks, at times feel frustrated, and perhaps wish things were different than they are.

whitewater rafting boat cheering

Most importantly though, there are no parents at camp, nobody to plow the road, to coddle, or smooth all the bumps from the path. Instead we have a supportive community of people that encourages girls to try things on their own, that allows a measured degree of freedom to explore, and that carefully guides us without fear of failure. Camp girls learn that they can handle these moments. They don’t have to wait for help. They don’t need someone to “pave the jungle.” On their own and away from mom and dad, camp girls cultivate a greater ability to tolerate discomfort. Without worrying, they grow more confident, build a sense of grit, and a habit of resilience.

In this way, I think life at camp is both incredibly fun and powerfully educational. Camp girls have daily experiences that prove they are competent and capable. They learn that they can address moments of hardship, confidently move beyond what’s comfortable, and make strides despite challenges.  Sending your daughter to camp is the opposite of coddling.  It’s trusting that she’ll be able, with perseverance and the support of the caring camp community, to meet the occasional challenge, tolerate moments of discomfort, and grow in the process.  No plow necessary!

cute girls dressed as animals

A Place of Belonging

It’s not too difficult to see that the girls at Rockbrook this session are having a great time. If you visit camp, all the action is what you first notice: the horseback riding at the barn, the rock climbing at Castle Rock, the kayak roll sessions in the lake, the spinning pottery wheels, clicking looms, nimble scissors, and busy knitting needles. Likewise, your first glance at the photo gallery leaves the same impression. The girls at camp are engaged in so many ways, happily active, smiling and chatting with each other.

That’s all good stuff, but on another level, there’s something remarkable also going on. It’s the culture of Rockbrook. It’s the way the girls treat each other, the assumptions and values that subtly guide them. It’s how it feels to be at Rockbrook, living and playing together in this tight-knit community.

It’s tricky describing this culture because it’s certainly multifaceted and complicated, but one aspect I think worth noting is the sense of belonging girls enjoy at Rockbrook. Almost immediately after they arrive, girls are comfortably in groups around camp, paying attention to each other, including each other no matter what’s going on. Cabin groups provide the backbone of this feeling, but it’s present everywhere. Free from the competitive social and academic pressures of school, this all-girls environment is devoted foremost to the quality relationships we have with each other. Simply put, the culture of Rockbrook, and by extension what it means to be a “Rockbrook Girl,” begins with being “nice” to each other.

summer camp teen friends

Thinking about the traditional “Rockbrook prayer” recited during the “Goodnight Circle,” programming staff member Savannah put it this way:

The culture here at Rockbrook is one of optimism, respect, love, and altruism. The amount of kindness is astounding; people are always seeking out ways to brighten someone else’s day in any manner. Each positive encounter, no matter how small, can always somehow be traced back to at least one aspect of the prayer. The message encourages girls to stand up for what is right, to be their best selves no matter who is watching (or not watching), and to aim towards making the camp community even better than it already is. It allows us to feel a sense of support unlike anything else.

Campers are more than willing to take opportunities to “do a little good” by writing a friend a sweet note, picking up a piece of litter on the ground, or walking a younger camper to her activity. Everyday at camp is filled with these small, sweet moments.

kids playing outdoors at summer camp

I’ve written about why girls love camp, and there are certainly many reasons. But perhaps most importantly, Rockbrook is a place where girls feel they belong, where who they really are (and not who they think they’re supposed to be) matters. At camp, there’s mutual caring. It’s a place where we all value and rely on each other without any reference to our age, our intellect, or our looks. Nobody has to say it, but for these girls, Rockbrook is “a place of their own” where they feel safe and happy.  And that feeling becomes the foundation for all of our relationships at camp, the root of the friendships, and the spark for personal growth.

More than ever these days, young people need certain experiences to overcome the forces of abstraction and isolation they face. Just think, for example, how all that screen time impacts their ability to communicate face-to-face, to engage the inevitable imperfections of the real world (compared to the edited and filtered online version of things), and to be actively creative and confidently engaged. They need a place of belonging where they can practice being more connected to those around them, where they can play, encounter new challenging experiences, and grow.

Thankfully, Rockbrook is such a place.

girls relaxing at summer camp

2nd Session Video Note

Robbie Francis of Go Swan Filmworks (and Rockbrook dad!) has returned this summer to film and present a series of his excellent highlights videos for us.

This is the fourth year Robbie has been making these occasional videos at Rockbrook, much to everyone’s delight. It’s amazing how he can convey the sweet interactions and overall feeling of camp life in just under two minutes.

Robbie filmed earlier this week and now we have his first video for the second session. Take a look and enjoy. It’s great fun to watch.

1st Session Video Note

Robbie Francis of Go Swan Filmworks (and Rockbrook dad!) is returning this summer to film and present a series of highlights videos.

This is the fourth year Robbie has been making these occasional videos for us, much to everyone’s delight. It’s amazing how he can convey the sweet interactions and overall feeling of camp life in just two minutes.

Robbie filmed this past week and now we have his first video. Take a look and enjoy. It’s great fun to watch.

The Great Girls of Rockbrook

It’s hard to believe it, but our 2018 summer season has come to a close. After our glorious though short time together, it’s now time for everyone at camp, all these great girls, to say farewell to Rockbrook for another year.

camp great girls art

It’s really been an amazing summer, one that I think everyone will remember fondly. We could try to measure it by counting rounds of ammunition shot at riflery, pounds of clay shaped into pottery vessels, or muffins consumed during our mid-morning break. But adding up the materials of camp seems superfluous. We could look at the Mermaid laps swum in the lake, horses ridden, or trips down the Nantahala River rafting, but that too would be an inadequate measure. Looking at all the friendship bracelets tied on wrists, or the songs sung in the dining hall together, or the skits performed as cabin groups, gets us a little closer because they represent the friendships formed and strengthened while at camp.

It might be tempting to list special events— the exuberance of the shaving cream fight, the support and talent performed in the “Wizard of Oz” production, or the joyful celebration of the “Expedition Earth” banquet. We could point to accomplishments like being in the bullseye club for archery, winning the mop award, or climbing all three sides of the Alpine Tower. Camp could be understood as a success for all these reasons too, but there’s a deeper sense that we’ve all experienced something very special this summer.

penguin costume girls

All of these details are part of the answer, but I think the campers and staff members alike will mostly remember their camp days this summer by how they felt while here. It’s not what we did each day, but how we felt while doing it that has made this summer special.

It simply felt really good to be this active outside each day. It was a relief to find all these great girls who immediately accepted and encouraged our true selves. We felt more confident and competent with each daily moment of success. We felt truly connected to the people around us. We felt happy exploring the creative, sporty and silly sides of our personality. We experienced moments of pristine beauty and wonder in this lovely natural environment. We reveled in the constant current of friendship that buoyed everything at camp. Away from the habits of home, absent the pressures of school, given meaningful freedom, our camp days were inherently satisfying, rich with opportunities for new experience.

Our camp life this summer was amazing for all these reasons. So as we say farewell to camp for now, we’re sad to leave our friends and the good feelings that energized our days. We’re sad that the special way we feel at camp has to end until we can return next year.

Meanwhile, we can be thankful. Thanks to everyone for being the great girls of Rockbrook, contributing your love, energy and care to making camp life this wonderful.  Thanks to everyone!

Camp Final Party

3rd Session Video Snapshot – 2

Here is the latest highlights video from Robbie Francis of Go Swan Filmworks. Robbie spent last Saturday filming, quietly capturing simple moments of life at camp, and now editing for us another of his wonderful short videos.

Watching these videos really is fascinating, and they deserve multiple viewings. We love how well they convey the sweet interactions between the girls, and the overall happiness that colors our days together here. Take a look. You’ll see what I mean.

Lost and Found

Camp tetherball buddies

On the bulletin board where announcements are posted, you’ll see the lost and found list. As the name suggests, campers update the list about belongings they have lost or found while at camp. Sometimes the list gets pretty specific (“If anyone sees a sock that is blue with cooked pink shrimp on it, please return it to Middler 6!”), and we read the list aloud frequently to make sure that girls return with everything they came here with. When the list was read today, though, there wasn’t anything on the lost list. In fact, there were only items on the found list. I thought this was beautifully poetic—it represented the ways in which the community was looking out for each other, even before anyone realized they had lost something.

In many ways, this idea seeps into our everyday lives at camp. In coming to camp, we lose things, or more accurately, are without things. We have the basics in our trunk: a flashlight, a book, some clothes, and some friendship bracelet string, but we are without some of the more present items of our existence: our phones, our computers, the familiar environments we are used to. Yet camp girls come back every year, and daydream about it all throughout the year. I think that is because they have found so much more at camp than they have lost. They find strength in them that they never knew was there before, they find that they have a lot in common with people from different backgrounds, they find the capacity in them to be giving and authentic—the found list is much longer than the lost list.

zip line kid

Throughout camp, the exchange between lost and found is seen every day. Today, it was announced that there was going to be a trip on the camp zip-line course. The zip-line goes throughout the back side of camp, taking girls across waterfalls and through the trees. This trip is generally offered multiple times every day, and is always wildly popular. As this was the first activity day for many girls, today was a particularly popular day to sign up for the trip. Because the trip was so popular, it was impossible to get everyone who wanted to go today on the trip (they’ll definitely have more opportunities to go, though!). A trio of juniors who arrived yesterday were all in line for the trip. When two of them drew cards that meant that they could go, but one of them could not go, the two who were chosen to go on the trip gave up their spaces, saying that they would go another time when their friend could go. This beautifully exemplified this lost and found principle. Even though they lost going on the trip today, they found a way for them all to go together another time. More than that, though, they found a deeper sense of friendship and the joy that comes from being a loyal friend and the maturity that comes with compromising one’s own bliss for the good of others. They gained much more than they lost.

county costume kids

At camp, we see this in other ways too. Sometimes, what we lose is not as tangible as a sock or even a zip-line experience. A lot of the time, it’s our inhibitions and the things that prevent us from having fun and being our true selves. The other day, we were having an evening program called “Jug Band.” Jug Band is an old-fashioned campfire that incorporates Appalachian culture and silliness. Everyone brings an “instrument” (like rocks or brooms) and sings songs such as “Mountain Dew” and “Wagon Wheel.” Jug Band is incredibly fun, but is also incredibly silly. On the night of Jug Band, a middler cabin lacked their usual enthusiasm for the event. They were hesitant about going, and did not want to dress up. Their counselors, however, started playing on instruments (trunks and tennis rackets) and making up songs. Before long, the entire cabin was joining in the fun, creating their own band! By the time they showed up to Jug Band, they were some of the most enthusiastic and spirited campers at the fire.

In their cabin, the band kept practicing and writing new songs. The band’s name was “Saurkraut,” (the spelling is intentional) and tonight during twilight, Saurkraut had their first performance. They created tickets that they handed out to everyone (some of the tickets were even autographed: ‘Saurkraut! Rock out!’) and one of their hit songs was “Do You Jam, Bro?” The band was a hit, and the reviews were raving, “That’s the best thing that’s ever happened at twilight!” When inhibitions were lost, Saurkraut was found. Creativity, a greater sense of community, identity, and the ability to let our hair down—these are the things we find here at camp.

The other thing about lost and found at camp is that we learn to live without the things we have lost. We realize we can live without that sock, that we can thrive without our phones. But when things are found, we gain a new appreciation for them. We want to keep what we’ve found safe, we know it in an entirely different way. I think that’s how the intangibles at camp work, too. We find this authentic version of ourselves, someone who knows how to compromise and get along with others, who seeks the best in others, who isn’t afraid to get her hair wet. When we go home, we have a new appreciation for this version of ourselves, and we live differently, as we continue to stay found.

girls camp group

3rd Session Video Snapshot

Robbie Francis of Go Swan Filmworks spent a day at Rockbrook this week filming little moments of camp life and editing them to make a short video for us.

You may recall the wonderful videos of camp he has made the last few summers. They are a fascinating peek into what we’re up to around here, how happy and busy your girls are, and in many ways, how it feels to be at Rockbrook.

Spend 2 minutes to watch the video. You’ll be glad you did.

A ‘Chill’ Opening Day

If you ask some of the older campers to describe the differences between the three sessions at Rockbrook, they usually answer something like this. “First session has the ‘sweet girls.’ Second is for the girls who are most ‘into’ camp. And third session is the most ‘chill.'” Of course, these are broad generalizations with plenty of variation to be found in each characterization, and it’s a little difficult to imagine how a camper would know much about sessions she does not attend, but today as we opened our third full session of the summer, there was some truth to label of “chill.”

summer camp opening day

Sure, there was loads of excitement— twitchy girls in the cars as they drove up, counselors leaping with enthusiasm as each camper arrived, and friendly directors ready to welcome everyone throughout the morning. These third session campers were all smiles and clearly ready for camp. After waiting weeks of summer for their session to start, how could they not be?  At the same time though, the morning felt easygoing, unfolding smoothly and cheerfully. Arriving at camp seemed like the most natural thing for the girls this morning. It’s true that most (a bit more than 80%) had been to Rockbrook before, so familiarity was guiding them, and the gorgeous, cool sunny weather probably helped as well. It really was a delightful, smooth, almost “chill,” opening day. So welcome to Rockbrook!

Once everyone had arrived, we all gathered under the walnut tree on the hill for a chance to sing a few songs, meet some of the directors and special staff members, and be reminded of a few camp protocols (about the Thorguard lightning warning system, for example). When Sarah introduced Felix, the new camp puppy, the girls were thrilled to see him do a few tricks like a “high five” and a leap over her extended led. Felix just turned one year old and he’s an Australian Labradoodle. He has a wonderful disposition and is always happy to interact with the campers. His coat is so soft, you can’t help but give him a quick rub when he passes by. You may spot him in the photo gallery. We’re looking forward to him being a member of the camp community for years to come.

Girl with buddy tag after completing camp swim test

After lunch, which was a meal of Rick’s homemade mac-n-cheese, fruit and salad, we launched into cabin meetings and a visit to the lake for our swimming demonstrations. Each line (age group) took turns meeting Lyndsay, the head of the waterfront, learning about the tag system and the opportunities to swim each day at camp. Then each girl took turns jumping off the dock, swimming and treading water to demonstrate how comfortable she is in the water. With only a couple of exceptions, all the girls did great and received a blue tag for the board. We had hot chocolate ready for everyone when they finished up, since the chilly lake can feel extra cold on a cool day like this.  Despite the scattered thunderstorms that were threatening in the area, we were lucky to complete all the “swim demos” with no rain.

The counselors presented their activity skits in the late afternoon.  These are entertaining presentations with costumes, songs, and dances all designed to advertise each activity to the campers.  Seeing who is teaching each activity and hearing something about what each activity entails is helpful when the girls select their first schedule later this evening.

Charcoal-grilled hamburgers and crisp watermelon filled our dinner plates (or veggie burgers for those with that preference).  The evening program included more name games and skits, prepping everyone to jump into camp activities tomorrow.

A quick word about sending mail… Do it!  The girls check their mailboxes after lunch each day, and having something to grab before heading off to rest hour is always appreciated.  Here’s the info you need about staying in touch.

We’re off to a great start.  Perhaps it’s been a little “chill” so far, but you’re about to see a lot more!

camp swim girl friends

2nd Session Video Snapshot – 3

Here it is!

It’s the latest highlights video from Robbie Francis of Go Swan Filmworks. Earlier this week, Robbie spent a day filming at camp, and with more of his careful editing, has again produced a fascinating glimpse into camp life.  You’ve seen the photos in our daily online gallery; now see (and hear) camp in motion.

At less than 2 minutes, I think you’ll really enjoy watching.